...our transition times would sink us. In a close triathlon, winners and losers are determined by how long it takes to 'transition' between events - swim to bike, bike to run. I realized a few days ago that about 99% of our stress and discord occurs during what I call "transition" times. The times between set activities - getting dressed in the morning, getting out of the house to go somewhere, coming back home, turning off the computer, getting ready for bed, etc. Those times when we're usually trying to get things done in a bit of a hurry so we can get on to other things. These are the times when Benjamin decides to test his limits and exert his power and I've proven to be nearly worthless at maintaining order. Every single day we fight over diaper changes, putting coat and shoes on, getting in the car, getting back out of the car, taking coat and shoes off, washing hands, etc. I feel powerless and helpless during these times. He goes into bone melt mode where he collapses on the floor in a heap of mush and nothing but shear brute force can make him comply. Unfortunately he gets stronger every day and little by little, I'm just not big enough to force him in all situations, nor do I think that's such a good idea, anyway. Today he pulled the 'I can't hear you although you're standing right next to me' ploy all day. Everything I said was simply ignored. He wouldn't look at me or even acknowledge my presence. When I would finally make it impossible for him to ignore me any further, he would yell a firm "no!" in my face and run away. Whether we were at home, at Lifetime Fitness, or anywhere else, was irrelevant. When he did this in the parking lot of Lifetime this morning (after doing it multiple times inside already), I ran after him and grabbed him by his coat collar, yanking him backwards, so I could grab him around the waist and carry him to the car. As I grabbed him and whirled back around to the car, I saw a woman getting out of her car nearby giving me a look of pure disgust. Of course, my case didn't look too good - Benjamin was screaming at the top of his lungs like I'd just slammed him over the head. I was sure she was taking note of my license plate to report me to the child abuse folks. "Please do," I thought, "then maybe I can have a few restful days in prison."
How do you handle these things? It's not like I can just say, "okay, fine, then stay in the parking lot while I go home." I HAVE to get him to come. I tried a similar tactic today at home when he was refusing to put shoes on to go. He'd run into the bedroom and slammed the door and was leaning against it to keep me from coming in. I decided to get Bella and my bags and the stroller in the car and hopefully in the meantime he'd decide he did want to come after all. So, I was doing that and I heard some commotion by the door, but he didn't come out. So finally when all was in the car, I tried to go back inside. Benjamin was on the other side saying, "Me shoes on, mommy! Me go too!" but I couldn't get the door open. He'd locked it! Unfortunately, my keys were still inside the house! He'd apparently thought he was unlocking the door, but locked it instead, and not just one lock, but the deadbolt too. I talked him through how to get the lower lock open and he did that, but he couldn't get the deadbolt again. It's really stiff and I'm shocked he got it in the first place, but it wasn't budging a second time. So I stood there in the garage freaking out. Then I remembered that I'd unlocked the back door's deadbolt yesterday and hadn't relocked it, so that was one door with only one closed lock. I ran around the house, through the snow in my running shoes, getting soaking wet and got to the other door. I yelled to Benjamin how to unlock that door and after some more trying, he figured it out and I was able to come in. "Mommy did it!" he shrieked in delight. Ah, thank goodness I always plan 30 minutes minimum to get out of the house. So, I'm clueless how to deal with this issue. It's every single day and it's really wearing me out. Especially in public places where I have Bella to deal with too. At Lifetime, employees have repeatedly had to help me get him out of the building because he'll throw such tantrums that I can't deal with him and still carry Bella (or push her in the stroller). Alas, I just wanted to share this because my blog is usually very chipper, but this is a huge issue right now that I'm sure is just one of those "this too shall pass" things, but right now it's incredibly demanding and difficult.
10 comments:
Oh Michelle, we have all been there at one time or another. It is the most dificult thing to deal with especially in public. I wish people would just keep their rude looks to themselves. She probably doesn't have kids and has no right to give you a dirty look. The universe has a way of paying people back for their judgements and she'll get hers. Oh..I'm a little mean. I'm right, but mean. The only thing you can do is what you are doing. Don't crack, (which we all do sometimes) hold your position and keep trying. Eventually they learn that certain things won't fly. Easy to say...difficult to implement. I have my battles everyday too, they just change. Hang in there. If it makes you feel better, I would love some alone prison time too.
That sounds really rough! I'm sorry. I don't have any suggestions, but I hope you'll update your blog as you find things that help so I can use them in a couple of years with Sandy. Good luck!
What a funny post, I am sure not to you, but funny because it is very easy to relate to! I always think oh when they get a little bigger it has got to be easier, but it is apparent as they get bigger it is just different things that get harder.
Man, I'm sorry! I remember going through this with Spencer too... it's just so hard! It's just that they are trying to test their independence and unfortunately this is how they do it. There is a book I'm reading called The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. And it has some really good ideas. We're trying them with Spencer and they seem to be working. I don't know if Benjamin is too young for some of the things, but what can it hurt? Plus it's good info for the future anyway. Good luck and I hope it gets better!
Oh my goodness, yes, this is definitely a hard stage!!! They are so headstrong! X does the same type of thing--he plays "deaf" if he doesn't like what I'm saying, runs away whenever it's time to change his diaper, refuses to put on his church shoes, and so on. It's so frustrating! For the shoes (or jackets), one method I use sometimes is to say, "Okay, no shoes. I'll just put them in my bag in case you want them later" (and he almost always does). For the diapers (and I forget this almost every time),I read that you go to them and hold their hands first, talking to them about something other than diapers as you lead them to the changing station. I hope things get easier soon. Let me know if you find something else that works well!
Great post, Michelle. One that you will probably look back on and laugh...right!? I know exactly what you are talking about, everything is a struggle and an argument and I'm trying my hardest not to bribe Maya to do what I want her to do...this is really hard for me. I seriously have no advice and I'm so sorry! If you get any good tips let me know!!
That's funny because whenever we travel on the plane I ALWAYS pack an extra outfit and have never had to use it.(Thank goodness) I can't imagine spending $80 on a toddler's outfit but what else can you do?
Michelle, my heart goes out to you! This is the HARD part of being a parent, and one that I am not looking forward to with my owns kids as they grow... but you are in our prayers, and I know you'll find a way through! Hang in there!!
Benjamin's three, right? I have heard it declared the Worst Year of Early Childhood. Think of it as a whole year of transition time -- from babyhood to preschool age -- and everything's going to be difficult until they turn 4, or are smothered in their sleep. (Wait, did I just write that? Never mind.) Hang in there -- maybe that lady was really trying to give you a sympathetic look, but her face is all weird and it came out looking nasty. Or perhaps she had just eaten a rather fuzzy cough drop she found in her pocket. This summer I had to grab Eleanor by her ponytail to stop her from running into traffic. (It wasn't intentional, just one of those split-second "grab what you can" moments.) Ella cried loudly about Mommy pulling her hair, and much was the embarassment thereof. But eh, better than a pancake-flat kid.
I keep hearing that age 3-6 are the glory years and the two's are truly terrible. I'm right there with ya sister, I'm just not as eloquent as you are about it. I tend to yell, and spit, and cry just as Max does. ha. kinda.
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